Posted: Fri, December 28, 2012 | By: David Eubanks
They said I had to eat my broccoli. I don’t like it. I fought and fought. They put special cheese on it, but it was yucky. I had real cheese once at Billy’s birthday party when they had pizza. Real cheese is good, but not the kind mom puts on my vegetables. She calls them veggies and makes them dance for me, but I still don’t like them.
Mom gets mad at me. She says I won’t live forever if I don’t do what she tells me. I don’t want to live forever if I have to eat stupid broccoli with stupid cheese that isn’t real like pizza cheese.
Then dad got involved. Boy. You know what that means.
I ate my vegetables for the first day. It was super yucky.
After they stopped watching me so close I started feeding the broccoli with the yucky cheese to Red. Red is our dog. He’s not really red, but kind of orange. But Orange is a stupid name for a dog, I guess.
Well. It turns out that Red doesn’t like the cheese any more than I do! It made a mess on the floor, but I squished it all into the carpet with my feet and no one noticed. So I kept doing that. I had to eat some of it, but about half ended up in the carpet. Mostly the cheese half did. Because it isn’t real cheese at all, but some medicine stuff that makes you live forever.
I talked to my friend Billy. He just had a birthday, and he doesn’t have to eat the cheese and vegetables. I don’t know why I do. It isn’t fair. At school there’s a girl named Isabella who does though. I asked her, and she eats it all up even though she doesn’t like it. She says she wants to live forever. I don’t even know what that means. But she tried to kiss me and I ran away.
How old is forever? My grandpa is forty or seventy-six. He’s soooo old. Is that forever? I don’t want to be all wrinkled up like old people and have to wear checkered pants. I wonder if their mothers made them eat cheese that wasn’t real, and that made them wrinkle up. Or maybe they were in the bathtub too long.
The carpet started to stink for some reason, and mom got real mad. Boy. Dad was mad too. They made me sit on the couch so they could have a talk. I don’t know why there has to be a special place for talking when we do it all the time. Anyway, I didn’t get to talk at all! They asplained about living forever. Over and over until I got really bored. Then they got mad when I played some music while they were talking.
I promised to eat my veggies and fake cheese, but I kept my fingers crossed so it wouldn’t count.
Mom made me a samwich, but it tasted funny. I like ham and turkey and baloney, but not this stuff. But boy I’m not dumb. I showed her the bite I took and pretended to like it. Then I went to the bathroom when she wasn’t looking and made it go down the toilet. I had to flush about a hundred times.
It’s a good thing I know where my dad hides cookies or I’d starve to death.
I had to go to see Doctor Sorenson. She looks nice, but she’s mean. Don’t believe her when she says it won’t hurt. Because it does! She made me sit on the end of a table so we could have a talk. I don’t know why adults have to sit down to talk. She showed me pictures of body parts and told me about living forever. I could see the insides of the bodies and it was gross. She told me to remember one thing, but I forgot what it was. I said school already lasts forever, but she said it was different. Then mom and dad and Doctor Sorenson had a long talk sitting down while I listened to music in a different room.
Mom says if I don’t eat proper I will have to get shots from Doctor Sorenson every week so I will live forever. Since I don’t like shots worse than I don’t like fake cheese I will have to eat more of it. Or maybe if I put steak sauce on it, Red will like it better and the carpet won’t stink. Then Red can live forever instead of getting all stiff like Muffins did.
I decided to be in a very bad mood.
Mom took away my music because I was an appropriate. Now I really am in a very bad mood and not just pretending. I frowned at my broccoli and carrots until they became cold. Mom said she was going to be strict, but I didn’t know what that means so she said it means I have to eat my broccoli and carrots. I still don’t know what strict means, but they were cold and yucky so I put steak sauce on them and gave them to Red when she wasn’t looking.
But now I ate all of dad’s cookies, so I may have to eat vegetables and live forever. And then I will be stuck with Isabella. Jeez.